There are certain things a person can say or do that immediately let me know I could never really be friends with them.
I mean, I'm sure I could get along with them at work or discuss the weather with them in an elevator. And I probably wouldn't mind if they were my neighbor or my hairstylist or my barista.
But a relationship with any more depth than that? Just wouldn't work out.
I know... it seems harsh. But I really don't think it's possible for me to truly bond with someone who doesn't share my core values and beliefs. In case you're wondering, this pretty much rules out anyone who...
- uses the phrase "don'tcha know?" and isn't trying to be funny.
- waits in line at an ATM and doesn't prepare their transaction until it's their turn.
- thinks Nicholas Cage is a good (or even mediocre) actor.
- doesn't think about stabbing themself in the eye during this commercial.
- enjoys waking up before 8am.
- chooses not to eat dessert because "they're not hungry."
- enjoys any show that airs on truTV.
- feels anything other than intense hatred toward spiders.
- has any version of this on one of their car windows.
- doesn't think Paranormal Activity is the worst movie of all time.
- forgets to eat... ever.
- misuses the word literally.
- buys a sweatshirt like this when they go on vacation.
- doesn't like chocolate and peanut butter together.
- buys a vowel on Wheel of Fortune when they already know the answer.
- likes this song, even a little bit.
- changes lanes without signaling.
- puts ranch dressing on pizza.
- can watch this without smiling.
Now that I've inevitably offended everyone reading this and insinuated that I'm incapable of truly bonding with most of my immediate family, I'd like to make a peace offering.
Cookies, anyone?
Deep Dish Caramel Snickers Cookies
Adapted from Not Without Salt and Inspired by Cookies & Cups
1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 & 1/2 cups brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 package Fun Size Snickers (11 oz), chopped
Directions:
1. In a small saucepan, combine the butter and brown sugar. Heat until boiling, then simmer until the sugar dissolves, about 2 minutes. Watch the mixture carefully--sugar can scorch quickly!
2. Transfer the butter-sugar mixture to a large mixing bowl and allow it to cool for 20 minutes. Once the mixture is cooled, whisk in the eggs and vanilla. In a separate bowl, combine the salt, flour, and baking powder. Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients, and stir just until combined. Stir in the chopped Snickers.
3. Chill the cookie dough for 15 minutes. Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 350°F and coat a whoopie pie pan with nonstick spray. Line each cavity with a parchment paper circle.
4. Scoop 1/4 cup of cookie dough into each cavity of the pan. Bake for 13-15 minutes, or until the edges begin to brown and the centers are almost set. Cool for at least 10 minutes before removing from the pan.
1 & 1/2 cups brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 package Fun Size Snickers (11 oz), chopped
Directions:
1. In a small saucepan, combine the butter and brown sugar. Heat until boiling, then simmer until the sugar dissolves, about 2 minutes. Watch the mixture carefully--sugar can scorch quickly!
2. Transfer the butter-sugar mixture to a large mixing bowl and allow it to cool for 20 minutes. Once the mixture is cooled, whisk in the eggs and vanilla. In a separate bowl, combine the salt, flour, and baking powder. Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients, and stir just until combined. Stir in the chopped Snickers.
3. Chill the cookie dough for 15 minutes. Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 350°F and coat a whoopie pie pan with nonstick spray. Line each cavity with a parchment paper circle.
4. Scoop 1/4 cup of cookie dough into each cavity of the pan. Bake for 13-15 minutes, or until the edges begin to brown and the centers are almost set. Cool for at least 10 minutes before removing from the pan.
Makes 12 large cookies.
